total failure cinnamon mug cake

Did you ever make a recipe that was so disgusting you were actually impressed with how bad it was?

The texture was absolutely heartbreaking.

The taste was bad, don’t get me wrong. But the texture was really just impressively bad.

The top and outer edges, fully cooked, took on a leathery, almost rubbery consistency. To the best of my recollection, real cake is light and fluffy, and does not bounce back to shape when you squish it with a spoon or knife. The cooked parts of this “cake” bounce back to shape like a rubber ball. The center of the cake was absolutely the same texture as gelatin, and extremely greasy. Was the outer edge overcooked and the middle just underdone? No part of this cake seemed to be cooked the right amount.

The taste was mostly just melted butter.

If the adjectives you look for in cake include “rubbery,” “like Jell-o but worse,” and “greasy” – this is the recipe for you!

I love to experiment with new recipes, so this isn’t my first (or fiftieth) kitchen disaster. But I think this is the most 2020/2021 recipe I’ve ever seen. It’s really just unpleasant.

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• 3 tablespoon All-Purpose Flour
• 2 tablespoon Brown Sugar
• ¼ teaspoon Cinnamon Powder
• ¼ teaspoon Baking Powder
• 3 tablespoon Milk
• 3 tablespoon Melted Butter
• ½ teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Instructions 

• Whisk together flour, sugar, cinnamon powder, and baking powder in a bowl.
• Stir in milk, butter, and vanilla extract until smooth.
• Pour the batter into a microwave-safe mug, leaving space from the top to keep the batter from overflowing as it cooks.
• Microwave on high for 1-2 minutes.

recipe by create yum (misnomer?)

Sorry, Kim. This is not how to create yum. It’s been nearly two years since I had the opportunity to add a recipe to my NOPE tag – and no, these aren’t as gross as the glue-balls or the soup-balls. With that 1:1 ratio of flour to butter, you know this cake is more delicious than stale bread. But it is not a good cake, and you should not eat it.

For a dessert that you don’t resent or regret, can I recommend a banana cream pie, a ginger snap cookie, or a lemon cake? Maybe you’d prefer one of my other 90+ dessert recipes? Or maybe you want to punish someone with a disgusting cake, in which case, oh baby, do I have a mug cake for you!

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polpette (Italian vegetarian “meat”balls)

Got a lot of stale bread? These are… food.

Zucchini 280 g
Stale bread 250 g
Eggs (about 1 medium) 50 g
Whole milk 60 g
Breadcrumbs 120 g
Basil to taste
Tomato pulp 150 g
Garlic 1 clove
Mozzarella 90 g
Extra virgin olive oil to taste
Salt to taste
Black pepper to taste
(edit: please add oregano or really anything)

– break up the bread and soak it in milk
– slice zucchini into “rather large slices,” heat up some oil in a pan, then fry them over medium heat for about 10 min or until cooked
– using a “robot” (I love Google translate; I am guessing you want to use a food processor) or a fork, mix zucchini with breadcrumbs, salt, bread, and pepper (and basil if using)
– add egg after blending, and blend until homogenous
– form balls of about 30-33 g in weight
– refrigerate for 30 minutes to firm up so they don’t fall apart
– in a separate pan, start garlic (“or shirt if you prefer,” according to Google translate,) and add crushed tomatoes, basil, salt, and pepper
– when tomato sauce tastes great, add balls and melt mozzarella over the the top. cover with lid.

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original recipe from giallo zafferano in Italian and here it is in English, run through a translator

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Okay, these are edible. If you have a bunch of stale bread, this is definitely a way to use it. It isn’t a GOOD way; it’s just a way. Being on a soft food diet, it’s nice having something shaped like a meatball, but you know what else is soft? Good vegan meatballs. I mean, vegetarian buffalo “meatballs” made with white beans are soft. Meatless wild rice and mushroom “meatballs” are soft. These are just straight-up BLAND! The texture is a bit gloopy on day one, and by day three mellow to a sort of gluey, gummy mess. So, the taste is bad. The texture? Also bad.

The only way I can recommend these is if you have a LOT of dumpstered bread to use. PLEASE add sautéed onions or garlic to flavor the polpette. Tagged “waste not,” because this might keep some bread out of the landfill. Tagged “soft food” because I ate these with a temporary crown, and it didn’t hurt. Ecstatic to use the “nope” tag for the first time in a year. This recipe could be adjusted to be more flavorful, but right now, these polpette are a solid nope.

This is solid proof that everyone creates a nightmare in the kitchen sometimes. Everyone occasionally ends up with a week’s worth of glue-balls. Jump in, try something new, and if it turns into paste, make something better next week!

parsnip, mushroom, and barley “stuffing”

I was craving stuffing, but trying to cut back on bread and eat more whole grains and veg. Solution? Tried this “parsnip, mushroom, and barley wreath,” with stuffing flavors like sage and nutmeg. My first nut loaf!

I was immediately suspicious of this recipe using a “flax egg” to bind the ingredients. So I made two – a small version held together with the flax egg, and a larger one without. As I suspected, the one with the flax egg was mucilaginous and slimy. It was downright creepy – and to add insult to injury, it didn’t even stay together.

Made a bunch of alterations to the original recipe, which cuts the cost (and sliminess) considerably. I went with hulled barley, which has more of the whole grain, and is therefore chewier and heartier than the white pearled barley you’ve seen in soup. Whole-grain hulled barley requires a lot more flavor than I added. So this recipe is a work in progress. I would add bouillon to stock next time, plus some aromatics like bay leaf or garlic cloves. Mushrooms and parsnips are amazing together – make sure to use a bunch, especially if you’re not using pearled barley – the sweetness will help cut that grain flavor.

Keep in mind that without the flax egg, this is less of a “loaf” and more of a “grain side” – it looks like rice pilaf or fried rice, not a cohesive “loaf”. Experiment with the flax egg if you want, but you’ve been warned…

–adaptation #1–
Prepare barley. If hulled, use way more bouillon than you think you should. Use stock or broth, not water, or it will taste boring. Add aromatics and simmer for an hour.

Separately, roast a half a head of garlic. Start a pan with butter or coconut oil, and add some chopped up parsnip and onion. Caramelize. Add a ton of mushrooms and cook down. Add rosemary, sage, and nutmeg. Turn off heat when completely cooked, and take pan off heat. (optional) Add a handful of hazelnuts and a bunch of grated parmesan or other hard cheese, and stir in.

Grease a loaf pan, ring tin, or casserole dish. Add the mixture. Cook at 400 F (200C/gas 6) til it looks done. Serve garnished with whole pumpkin seeds (or not).

Next time, I will:
– definitely leave out the flax egg
– use way more bouillon in the barley, and maybe some aromatics like garlic or bay leaf, to kill that flat “whole grain” taste
– maybe try some kind of ultra-concentrated flavor, like a stock boiled down with tons of aromatics

Tagged “nope” because I don’t see myself making this again unless I figure out a way to get some more flavor in there. It’s just…. I’ll put it this way: if you love a great whole-grain flavor, and raisin bran tastes exciting to you, this is the recipe for you! Just kidding – this is a great recipe for barley lovers who like a humble, simple, unpretentious nut loaf. For me, though, it’s a nope.

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recipe by Sarah Cook (an appropriate name) for easy cook magazine and bbc food, and adapted by friedsig

sourdough cornbread

update 1/28:
no good. trying this one instead.

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Sourdough Cornbread

1 cup sourdough starter
1/3 cup oil or butter
1 egg
1/2 cup flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup salt
1 cup cornmeal

Mix sourdough starter, egg and oil. Sift together dry ingredients. Add to sourdough mixture. Mix until well blended. Pour into an 8-inch square pan. Bake at 350 degrees F for 25 to 30 minutes.

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from southern living.

never make gnocchi with self-rising flour

gnocchi recipe – i followed this tried-and-true recipe for delicious vegan gnocchi. the only substitution? self-rising flour.

BAD IDEA!

they became soupy, barely-held-together clumps of what can only be described as a toddler’s art project. practically inedible.

after one boiled-up batch, my wonderful friend s decided to investigate a way to fix them.

three batches.

one were boiled, then baked.
one were boiled, then fried.
one were just baked.

boiled, then baked – exactly identical consistency to the way they were before they were baked – gluey and inedible.

boiled, then fried – more similar to gnocchi consistency, but not too similar – actually, they were crunchy outside and liquidy inside – edible, but not good.

just baked – AAGH! THEY TURNED INTO PASTABREADS, sort of pretzely, dense orange puffs.

amazed, we twisted the rest of the dough into small pretzels and tiny rolls – definitely bread-like. not delicious bread, but much better than the creepy boiled ones.

we’d already discovered that frying gnocchi after boiling them is the easiest way to firm them up a bit, but this isn’t true with goopy gnocchi.

if this ever happens to you, my condolences, but they can be saved!

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also, did you know that gnocchi comes from a phrase meaning “a knot in wood”?